Take Me Far

portraitsofperspectives

sealeg

I hit the dead-ends at any turn I take. I have been beneficently encouraged and supported. And I am putting all of them down.

I sit up in the night and cry, only to pretend that never happened in the morning. I get to my routine but I still decline every day. I decline deeper and deeper with higher velocity every passing day. I affect not only me but everyone around me. And that isn’t helping. Patience is what I should hold on to, but it seems in tolerable. I’m frustrated to my bones. I want to scream till I drown myself in that voice. My knees tremble every time my eyes gets watery.

I’m scared. Scared, one of these days I’ll give up. Settle in to be what I don’t want to be.

Take me back. Take me back to the moment when I made a wrong choice. Or take me ahead. Ahead where I can see what I’m going to be.

This stagnant, monotonous phase is killing me.

This is killing me from deep within.

Take me far.

 

 

No.

portraitsofperspectives

rain

No. I’m not going through it all over again.

No. I’m not letting myself get into depression again.

No. I’m not going to waste my time being guilty.

And no! I’m not going to be captivated by his love and kill my time debating over what’s right and what’s wrong.

“Who are you? This is not you!”

portraitsofperspectives

flower

When you have known a person for a long time, you know their likes, you know their dislikes, you know their inner jokes, you know their darkness, you know their pillar of strength, and you know a lot more things.

But you know only what they want you to know. Or sometimes, you know only what they have known.

Intentional or not, there is always a piece that remains hidden, only to emerge later or never to rise.

“Who are you? This is not you!”

I have stood at the receiving side of this question. Far too many times. Questioned by others, and at times questioned by my own self.

And every time I was questioned, I looked back. And found myself better in the past than then. And I wondered “What is happening? What am I growing into? I don’t like it! I need to get back to who I used to be.”

It took me a while to understand that I am learning, growing, failing, rising. I am changing. And this is why I am not who I used to be.

And there is no way I am going to be who I used to be.

Change is constant. You evolve. Your perception changes. Your likes change. Your dislikes change. You overcome your fears and you grow new ones. You witness losses. You hope less. You dream lesser. You work harder, smarter.

And this is you.

“You are who you are at any point of time!”

The pain you felt. The lessons you learnt. The hopes you dropped. The dreams you fulfilled. The responsibilities you shared. The tears you let drop down your cheek. The screams you kept chained to your bones.

All this has been changing you.

Little by little.

Step by step.

And that’s what makes you, who you are.

Knowing a person is no big deal.

But being able to grow with a person is what matters.

“Who are you? This is not you!”, When you are questioned

Tell yourself, “This is me. I just hadn’t met this part of me before.”